if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
