who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
