We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
