What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
