PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
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Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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