On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
