Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
