No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
