My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
