I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
