I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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