Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
