Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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