The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
