When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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