You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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