We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
