It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
