I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She even gives head with a lisp.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
