When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
