Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
