At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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