If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
