If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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