Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
