my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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