she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
