you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
