did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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