swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
