i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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