he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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