The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
