Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
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I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
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I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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