Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you inspire me to be a worse person
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
