Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
