we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
