we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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