i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
