sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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