She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
