Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
