no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
bring money and cleavage
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
