i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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