Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Randomize
