Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
did i walk over a car last night?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
