I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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