pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he was CRYING into my vagina
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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