just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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