Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
