if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
