I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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