Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
