how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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