I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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