You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
