Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
