I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
