This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
