You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
